Punishment

[madd74]

There have been plenty of times how I am accused of doing a lot of things, and punishing you is one of them. Probably for over a year now that same exact thing has been happening to me in terms of you. Now, the difference is that you are just you and it is not necessarily aimed at me, however, it is very frequent and I am generally involved.

There have been plenty of times, where in some way or shape, I have expressed my mind, and in doing so, you ended up getting angry or bent out of shape as to what I have said. Also, there are plenty of times where I do something because that is the idiosyncrasy as to how I work (meaning I would treat anyone in the same), yet you turn around and translate how it must mean. Now, one argument we had was based on the fact that if you are able to do that to me (translate what my actions or thoughts must mean), then it fair and equal that I get to do that to you. One example of this is actually documented in an argument we had a while back in the public chat.

You punish me continuously if I do not do something in the manner that you want. Whether I do not always answer the phone because I am doing something else, or not calling you every single day during my lunch (of which I get little to nil recognition for doing), or something else, I get guilt trips, anger, a pissy attitude, or a "heaven forbid" thrown in my face. If we get in a fight and *I* want space, because I require it, I get woke up and yelled at or a variety of other things. There are plenty of times where I will say something on how I feel, or my opinion on something, whether how I feel about Jarin not having his teeth yet, or the hundreds of other things where I have been asked MY opinion, and in turn, I got one of the above thrown back at me.

If you want the respect that you feel you deserve, then you have to earn it and even give it without being asked for it. I stand by my stance of treating others the way they have treated me, and if you look at our relationship up to and to the point to that first time you got an attitude with me at Orlando's when we were out, you will see a totally different relationship between the both of us. Other times I have brought up this aspect of who I am, you have attacked it, pretty much well telling me it was either my fault, or that I put all blame on you (as you did this morning). Again, you are telling me what I mean or what I say. It is my fault that I treat you the way that I do. It was a choice that I made long, long ago, well before I met you. It is what encompassed the very persona of what make me who I am.

I am sorry for the initial reaction I had last night. I did ask a question and responded the way I did, and that is not the way I would in turn want to be treated. My rational was that for over a year you up and provide your opinion on things that you have already pointed out and that we know. I get sick of hearing about my work. I know you think it sucks, and I know you do not like it. I am tired of hearing about it REPEATEDLY. Same goes for my breath. I know it is less than fresh at times. I eat a lot of crap and forget to brush it. I don't, however, want to hear how my damn "video game problem" is to blame for me not brushing my teeth, or anything else. So while we are both to blame, I was certainly out of line, because this time, I did ask.

So the next time YOU ask me a question, as to how I feel about whatever, you better up and accept my actual feelings if you expect the same in return. I am tired of the "reverse" treatment, where you basically say how I am blaming you for EVERYTHING or I am claiming it is always your fault, when in actually that is what you are pushing on me. The fact that I am making you angry, or you have the right to yell at me at a store because I do not answer you so it is my fault on how you react.

Nothing in this message to you is out of guilt, or to make you feel bad. This is a sum up of built up feelings for at least a year, things that I generally do not express, because if I do, you generally turn around and work to make me feel guilty (which just gets me angry, not guilt), so I just drop it and decide to not talk about it anymore. Well, I think it is time I do.

On that note, I do not want to hear the opinions on how your feel about my friends. You blame me of continuous negativity, and your opinions on how you feel about them has been nothing short of negative. I wrote Bevin on Mother's Day, and as it has been, you went off on how she basically does not deserve it, because she has made no effort to see Jarin or anything else. This is an opinion you have repeated, for a more than just her. Again, you already made your case in terms of how you feel about it. Let me ask you, the things that you said, would you feel comfortable saying it to her face, or posting it on line to where she might read it? No, is the answer I imagine you would say. If you are going to continue to be negative regarding my friends, whether about Jarin or anything else, then say it to their face so they can defend themselves, or do not say it at all. If you want to talk about your friends and how you feel about them for whatever reason, then go ahead, they are your friends and you have a right to vent about or be upset about whatever it is you have going between them. As for my friends, I expect them to have respect until they give *me* reason otherwise, not you. Of course, if in private I ask you the opinion on someone, what you think of their life, is another story, because I am asking "for my own understanding" as opposed to you throwing out your opinion.

I do not remember one way or another the positive things I have said last night, as I do not think anything, so know that I do love you... and you are not the only one who feels alone in this relationship.